Stephen, not Steeivin

I'll say one thing for him, He's got a way with the lady.

Lady Luck, that is
Stephen emailed me this yesterday:

Dear Tyler,

Everyone has been saying that I am the unluckiest person in the world lately.

However, when I googled 'world's unluckiest people' to verify that fact, my monitor fried and sparks shot out everywhere, which wouldn't have been a big deal if it weren't for the gas pump at quicktrip malfunctioning earlier that day, leaving me covered in gasoline. Naturally, my shirt burst into flames and since as you know I wear shirts that are way too tight I couldn't get it off so I decided to jump in the shower, which was hilarious because it turns out I hadn't paid my water bill for a few months--After I had a good chuckle about that unfortunate irony, I ran outside to roll in the dirt by the highway. That I think definitely proved that I do have some luck, because when the tanker semi carrying a load of water swerved off the highway to avoid hitting me, it spilled just enough water on me to put out my shirt before it, in turn, crashed into the ditch in a twisted heap of metal and flames.

Me, the world's unluckiest person?
Absolutely not...


Just ask the truck driver.

Kisses,
Stephen,
NOT STEV#&*$EN!!

Engagement

Which stage of life is better: Singleness, engagement, or marriage?*
I am not sure whether or not marriage is better than singleness (since I'm neither married nor single), but I do know that engagement is rough.
Engagement; to be committed out of singleness and into marriage, but to enjoy the benefits of neither.

You think all I'm talking about is sex

Wrong.

"Marriage is about way more than just sex,"
- Forrest Hett, married 07
To me the "benefits of marriage" encompass a wide variety of things...glorious, sweet things that are so wonderful I can't even imagine them.
As soon as some come to mind that trump the afore-mentioned benefit, I'll let you know.



*Answer: Whichever involves a Chocolate malt.

Of Golf and Men

Golf is the greatest games ever played, which would be a great movie title. If I wasn't such an amazing writer I'll bet I could get paid to come up with original movie ideas--or maybe inventions. I once invented electricity.

Ok, not exactly.

I once invented a specific use of electricity which involved a circular saw and a pulley system...many deaths

Writing about inventions always makes me think about golf, because I invented a movie about golf once. Golf, like me, is simply complex; and open to the general public, but there the similarities end.
The game of golf also reminds me of handling money--it's a simple concept that nearly everyone tries but at which only a select few are proficient. They are also similar in that playing golf costs money. So it could be said that money and golf are indirectly proportional. The stewardship and maintenance of the one leads to the depreciation of the other, and vice versa.

Wow, that's brilliant.

I don't even know what point I was trying to make, I just maxed out my brain coming up with that last thesis
I need to go watch a good movie to unwind, anyone know of any movies about the greatest game ever played?

Snake in the grass

Before you get any farther, I should warn you that the title of this entry is not literary; it is literal. It is time someone spoke up for snakes, and I think I am the only person who cares enough/has enough time to do it (besides maybe Ted Kriwiel).

I like snakes

Yes, they slither; but this fact alone does not qualify them as the world's most disgusting animal. In fact, as far as relativity is concerned, slithering could be said to be a much more positive mode of transportation than creeping.

Spiders creep.

I'm sure by now I have adequately convinced you that spiders are the most disgusting animals in the world. Unfortunately, you are wasting your time because spiders are not actually animals; but I digress...

There is a girl I know named Allison who is probably the human being most like a snake in the world, certainly in my large sphere of social awareness (which includes Leon). Although not in actual looks--in spite of her slender appearance--her personality and mannerisms are inherently snakelike.
e.g.,
Snakes for the most part mind their own business, unless they are crossed, then they turn into coiled balls of vociferous fury. Allison exhibits similar characteristics. In fact, she very much resembles a snake in the way she stalks her prey--innocent, unsuspecting men. She watches them on facebook and around her church, unbeknownst to them, just waiting on the perfect moment to strike. She hasn't struck yet, but when she does I'm sure it will be a lethal blow to the man's heart.

I'm just glad she doesn't remind me of a spider...

Passed

The past is a ruthless companion.
Everyone has a past. A person who denies having a past would probably have an easier time denying the dna that makes them an individual. No one is completely satisfied with their past; there is always something that we would change. The problem with pasts, though, is that they are not realities in the present. Now replaces then, then is history.
So why can't we shake the past?
Answer: we can
The past is something that is only carried by Christians voluntarily, for Christ took all of our pasts upon himself and personally cast them into the infinite ocean of his Father's mercy and grace. When we are in Christ, he is our Alpha; we don't have a past.
Too often we paralyze ourselves by voluntarily chaining the heavy burden of past memories, guilt, or insecurity to our hands (which makes the work of our hands much less effective) and go dragging along with life, wondering why our lives seem to weigh so much.
The past is passed, it is no more real than a dream we can't remember. Why work to keep up punishment that is not only unnecessary but also imaginary? Praise God for grace, which equips us with the power to get past our past.

I'm Tired of Sleep Deprivation (get it?)

If you are going to operate a vehicle, you must first meet the following criteria:



1. You must have a valid driver's license as issued by your state of residence.


2. You must not be under the influence of any hallucinogenic narcotic.


3. You must not be emotionally unstable*


4. You must not be deprived of sleep.



I'm not sure if those driving prerequisites are on any sort of legal documentation, but they definitely should be. While the first three are remarkably self-explanatory, the fourth needs a bit of informational development.

Sleep deprivation is a dreary topic for most people, but those who are morally awake never tire of pursuing safety. You may think that you can pull an all-nighter and drive to work the next morning with blinking being the only time your eyes have shut in the last 24 hours, but you can't. But wait...I'll bet you will tell me you have a fool-proof tactic for staying awake; but let me inform you it's all been done before. Here are some of the most original that I have heard:
Taping your eyelids open
Turning on some music
Turning off the music
Rolling down the windows
Slapping yourself
Screaming
Shooting yourself in the foot with a BB Gun whenever you hit the rumble strips

I will testify that the last one does actually work, but I doubt any of you are that committed to life. I have attempted all this and more in an attempt to stay awake, I even tried all of them simultaneously, which must have been a comical scene for fellow motorists**

Take my advice; don't drive when sleep deprived. In fact, if you are the kind of person to read a blog like this, don't drive at all. You obviously aren't intelligent enough to operate a vehicle.



*Please note my discretion in not making #3, "You must not be female." I believe women--under controlled circumstances--can in fact operate a vehicle almost as well as some men (e.g. Clinton, the host of 'What not to Wear')
**Just imagine driving by a car with music blasting the shutters off nearby houses, windows rolling up and down, the driver screaming and slapping himself all while waving a BB Gun in the air...

If my Life were a Movie...

Ok, I know you wouldn't watch it anyway; but if my life were a movie, I would categorize it as an action adventure-romantic comedy-horror-drama. It would also not have an ending, just like